Do you know that special breed of homo sapiens who devote their entire short life on Planet Earth to being the best at studying? Every single time you chance to do something well (well enough anyway), they have to have to be better.

Too bad for that species of homo sapiens which is (unfortunately) increasing at a rapid rate. (mm hmm, therefore the other species are becoming more and more endangered, but I'm digressing.) They may not have failed a single exam or test, but they have failed in their lives. And most of the time, (I may be generalizing here) they're not exactly Mother Theresa. Or Professor Schwartz.

Whoop. That must mean that I'm a double failure. Failing in exams (not important, but still) and failing in life.

Recently I've been attacked vigourously by a bout of depression. Maybe it's not quite depression, but that's the closet word that I can find. I just feel really really lost. Get ready for some self-absorbed, selfish whinging while people at all corners of the world are dying. It's a difficult feeling to express, but the basic gist of it is that I feel trapped in life. Even death, is not a path that leads to escape. Because after death, if we just live in Heaven for eternity, and we never ever ever die, that's also a daunting thought. Usually we think, ok, there's an end somewhere, but if you live for eternity... no end!!

And if one day it all ends, then there's nothing... forever. Never will we be alive (or dead), we'll just be... gone. Eternity is a freakishly scary word, that if you think long enough about it, you feel lost beyond the hopelessness you feel when you fail a test. It just instills an undescribable fear.

I was thinking about my emotions, yes, indeed you could say that I was reflecting. And I realised that I'm afraid of not knowing what is going to happen to us. It's an uncertainty about whether you're going to die tomorrow, or someone close to you is going to die. It's an uncertainty about what you're going to do in your future, blah blah blah. But it's mostly about death. Not my death, other people's death. And depression. Once more, another's depression.

It's difficult to explain, or to describe fully. Imagine yourself living in a puddle of something, oh I dunno, saturated. And you're just floating around aimlessly in that vat of saturated thing, lucid, not sure, in fact, not an inkling of what is going to happen. You don't know how to live properly. You feel that the only way to get out of that is death, but then you realize that death will not save you from that fate, that feeling, because you'll still be floating around in that pool.

But even that does not quite say what I'm feeling.

Today, during IH, he was talking about nation-states again, and some other things that there has not been a definite conclusion, and that was when it hit me square in the face like slamming your hand down on that irritaing mosquito. I'm lost because I have nothing definite to hold on to, except God. Science is too rigid, too definite. Everything else may not be 100% true. How do we even know that we're alive? We could be asleep in real life, and what we're experiencing now is in our dreams. Could it be that I'm dreaming that I'm typing this? Could it be that I'm dreaming that I just skipped training partly because I'm sick, and partly because I feel like it's a waste of time?

How do you find a balance?

The worst thing is, the more I think about it, the further and further away from reality I go. It's like I'm living in a dream world. (But that could be partly because I haven't been getting enough sleep.) I just entwine myself in that web of lies, truth, confusion, the more I think. Like an insect caught in a spider web. The more he/she turns and tries to escape, the tighter the web closes around him/her.

And now I dont' even know how to live. I don't even know if I'm living.

This must be what happens when one has no purpose in life.

~Fin~